I Can Never Fall in Love

I am a very ambitious person. Mostly it is a good thing, but it has turned out to be destructive for me sometimes. It is a main factor that played in my depression. I admit it has made some things better and helped me keep fighting but. . . .

I can't fall in love because of it!

When I start liking someone and develop a crush, I can't stop thinking about them for a few days. I make some mistakes and act to needy in the beginning; it only stays like that for a short period. I may not be as modest as I should but I can't help but admit that I'm not as bad-looking too. So that's why, I almost always succeed in making a guy I really like falling in love with me. Oh, and also because of my sense of humour and wittiness. *wink, wink* *hint, hint*
Except that one time with 'I'. Arghhhhhh. That guy was something.

Thing is, I can go on forever. There was this guy I was totally smitten for. I spent over 2 years infatuated by him. I got him to fall in love with me. The moment that happened, everything was gone. Poof. 
I had absolutely no feelings for him after that.
Nothing.

This always happens. It happened with my last boyfriend too.

And it's happening again with T. Now that I see how interested he's become into me, I can't feel the same connection. 
Once I achieve a goal, I am higher. Every relationship is a project to be accomplished. I have to move ahead. 
I am so messed up.

In a Cave Where The Rest Go To Feel Normal

I have lived as two people in one body. I would adopt a different persona while talking to different people. There was no 'me'. 
Life was a movie. Acting at every corner, every street. No breaks.

But it wasn't a distinguished line. They were intermixing person. 

What happens when the line isn't as hazy? What if it is as clear as a spot on a white cloth that your mum keeps reprimanding you about?

It becomes difficult to decide which person is the real one? Is it the overly friendly and exuberant one? Or is it that sulky, depressed and rude one? Which one is an act? What is true?

I wonder if bipolar and schizophrenic people have a fixed identity about themselves or aren't clear about it yet. I don't know.


PS. I was inspired by Gollum to write this.

We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

I would like to start by saying that my post is not the least bit related to the title (maybe it is a little). I haven't even thought much about the that sentence. I don't even think I agree with it. I just thought it seemed pretty.

There is a couple. The boyfriend becomes jealous (obviously) when his girlfriend goes about flirting and kissing other guys. 
Only he has the right to do that with her. He is the only one who can touch her. He has claimed her as his.

Just the way,  there is another boyfriend who indulges in domestic violence. He hits his girlfriend when she forgets to order a double cheese pizza instead of single. But just the same, he cannot bear to see any other man even grip his girlfriend's arm a little tighter than usual so it hurts her in the least.
Only he has the right to hit her. He is the only one who can touch her. 

He doesn't think twice when that blow bruises or the words sting but when he sees some other person hurt her in any way he will automatically become defensive and protect her.

Isn't this funny?

Of course, this whole post is only a metaphor of my father.

It is Only When You Are Lost That You Begin to Find Yourself

What makes a person the way he/she is? How would you describe yourself? What traits of yourself will you say make you the you you (so many you's)? What traits are a part of you but don't describe you?

Too many questions.

There may be a lot I don't know about a person but there's also a lot I don't know about myself. Both in mental and in physical way.
I mean, I have Ordinal Linguistic Personification and I only recently discovered! Who knew?

People go about trying to discover more about their significant other or friend and try to understand more about them but truth is most of them don't know the most basic things about themselves.
They could write 400 page novels on their best friends but not themselves.

I have discovered so much about myself, so much about what I really am. You don't need to go on a pilgrimage trip to the Himalayas to understand yourself.

What I discovered about myself is that I'm a person. (needs hyperlink)

Idolism and Idealism

I like to go around the classroom pestering people with questions about their religious, philosophical and spiritual (very different things, the three) beliefs. Most people are genially surprised. But not too surprised, I'm the sporadic, unexpected girl. People have stopped keeping any kind of expectations from me about tame, polite public behaviour. 

Anyhow, I get to hear very interesting answers (I lie, I hear them rarely). The other group who seem uninteresting to me are people who answer with, 'Gee, I dunno. I've never thought about it.' Ah, you expected me to answer by saying the ones who say they're religious, right? Haha, no. That's more interesting because that shows that person has put some thought, however little in my opinion. I try not to be judgemental. Love all.

I hear (like today) some say they believe in idols but not in religion; some say it the other way round. I hear many variations.

Also, just to add it so I don't forget because we're gonna need it in the conclusion, I usually hate all the hormonal teenage girls who run around crying about how much they love Justin Bieber or that new group One Direction. My mind fills with anguish for the young and astray pubescents. I have a lot of friend that fit like a snug sweater in the category. This is idealism.
 I used to be like that but I never exceeded the crazy limits. I still am some times when I think about Lana Del Rey, but meh. 
However, I would never go and make fun of them (that I NEVER do anyway because I was and am on the receiving end) or say they are stupid and dumb. I could in my mind, though.

So, where does the thin line end between idealism and idolism? 

Personally, I do not like any of the two. Idealism because (as mentioned before) there's too much I do not know about a person for me to follow everything they do. Too many secrets, too many lies. I do like to however, take all good qualities I see in a person and mould them into an ideal person of my choice. Let's name that person Daniel just for the heck of it. I'm feeling pretty silly and emotional today (It's the time of the month). 
Idolism is just a no-no for me. Don't the religions preach to not be materialistic? How can you regard some piece of metal, stone or wood as holy and attach all your feelings to it? Why don't you go nature outside and worship it instead of cutting it up into senseless shapes (reminds me of a new topic, CENSORSHIP!) and decorating your homes with it? Why are you loving (I've used so many brackets in this post. So I'm just posting another. Hehe) something lifeless?

Give love to someone who deserves it.

I'm A Selfish Hypocrite

I enjoy reading, hearing and watching things that teach me about how others live there life. It gives me a thrill to see how people live their lives, what they think about, what their beliefs in life are. I'm a peeping tom in this way. I guess this is why I enjoy things related to life simulation, and please, not in a dirty way. Haha.

I have certain philosophies, rules and mottoes about life. May other people do too-take for example a person whom I've been following. She's a mother of five children and believes in natural, home birthing. She also follows Buddhism and decides to live her life on the outskirts of town beside a beautiful stream. She home-schools her kids and pays the little bills by selling pots and other handicrafts. That is such a beautiful way to live life, the way you want; with family.

Now,  I imagined her as some great intellectual being who would sit around with her family everyday at tea time and discuss about the purpose of life, her kids always smiling in some mysterious way and always answering with "Yes, mother dearie." All the family always happy and gay, meditating and practising Zen in the middle of some forest with all the little animals looking at them in awe.  

Some of that might be true but I'm sure not in the over-exaggerated way I imagine in my head. Well, I do admit that I have an over-active and exaggerated imagination but that's another story.

Now I have plenty things I follow in life, but not always. I try to not hurt and mock people but, I sometimes do, unknowingly and seldom intentional when people annoy me. I try to be peaceful and trust in believe myself but, I sometimes lapse. I try to be positive and keep working but, I turn lazy, procrastinate and then chastise myself. I don't always share and care.

I try but sometimes fail, and then, I try again. I'm not perfect but, I try to be. 
But I take all this and try to strive. I'm improving.

Future Plans For This Blog

Where is this blog going?
I have been AWOL for two months. I've always expressed my intention for making the blog as purely for my benefit. Never have demanded or hoped any views (not that I have many) or money and nor will.
There is a continuous war going on in my head and I see no end to it any time near. It feels like there are two people living inside my head. Though the person I want to speak out more much chooses to ignore me. Gaah I am such a rebel. The shy part keeps chastising the out-spoken part in my head but, to no heed.

I am my worst enemy.

I WILL and SHOULD start posting my poems, paintings, thoughts, stories etc. on here. I need to. I will.
Eh, maybe later.

Why can't I stop procrastinating? All these exquisite thoughts flutter about occasionally in my head before settling right back in some beautiful world where they came from.
Most of my greatest ideas (like the book I'm working on), come into my head in my sleep. Fascinating, hmmm?

Stupid, stupid me. I need to start working again!! Urhhghghhhhhhh.

There is So Much You Don't Know About a Person

Every person has a story. Why and how they turned out the way they are, do the things the way they do, think the way they do. Their lifetime and the people he/she shared it with helped to shaped up their character. The most boring person (as you might believe them to be) has the most colourful life sometimes. 
  
 I don't understand when someone says, "I know you." No, you don't and you never can. Not my mum, not my dad, not my best-friend. No one can. There are so many things that affect me mentally and physically, you can't. The way I process my thoughts and actions is different, my life events are different. Also, I don't let anyone know me, so ehh. But this is about me as an individual.
   
My point is, some people-who don't even know you all that well enough-will judge you on the basis of two or more meetings or worse, hearsay. You can't know someone like that, let aside the fact that you judge someone! I could have been in some very adverse situations at some point to make my actions look so weird to you in certain situations. You could never know. Never, ever disregard someone like that. You don't know how some people are affected by the stuff you say, even when it was a joke. You can't ever think that a person isn't worth anything just because their outer appearance and behaviour doesn't interest you. 

I'm jumping topics now. The reason I am writing this post will be explained later. Thanks.

Living in What-ifs and a Customary Intro

My fear has always been of being judged, or rather misjudged, I'd say. I fear confiding in people, I fear the very fact of anyone even knowing the real me or my thoughts. I am afraid to trust people and scared to  tell anyone about what I'm feeling inside. I will waive the topic, do anything to not let anyone know who I truly am, though I must admit I enjoy the limelight. 
The reason this petty fear has caused me much trouble is because I suffered from terrible, terrible depression (does not mean this will be a blog about a whining little girl, mind the stereotypes, again) and no one ever knew. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, not even a counsellor. I spent so much time thinking what others would think that it ended up eating me inside. But, that's meant for another post.

Depending on what you want to believe, I could be anyone. I could be your next-door reclusive neighbour for all you know. Age is just a number, it will only cause presumptuous stereotypes, of which I'm not a part. This blog will probably span the topics of art, literature, writing, reading, music, philosophy, and occasional posts about my life and events. I could not give the least thought about the views or hype I get from this, this is for me.

Coming back to my question, do you ever think what would've happened if certain events or things hadn't happened to you? I ponder about it all the time. What if I hadn't messed up so much in my school? What if I hadn't had to go through the depression? What if I wasn't with the type of friends I have now? What if?
My words in life are "La vie sans regrets." Live life without regrets. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. It has contributed in shaping me up the way I am. And there is stuff I try to make sense of, was it all supposed to happen this way? Or, why is this happening to me at this time? Is it fate or is it karma or is it something my wee brain can still not comprehend? When I talk to my friend D (more about her later) about this, she tell me I cannot be thinking about stuff like that as I'm an atheist. True, but there are things I still believe in. Is atheism merely the disregard of everything? I try to listen and read everything in life. There are so many things. Any information about something new will not be ignored by me. Then, I make my hypothesis.

Gahh, I just don't know life.