This Is Just Me Letting Go

"But I love him"
“So love him.”
 “But I miss him.” “So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it."
~~~~

Being with you was comfortable. I was just discovering my type after vowing I was done with cocky, insecure heartbreakers. You were perfect. The right amount of bashful shy, amazingly funny and breathtakingly beautiful. I was blind to it first bit I got there.

Ii needed someone human, a guy who wouldn't chase me and pull back when he reels. I knew you'd never leave me, only because you'd never bait me in the first place.

But I never imagined that being a problem. Was I to know you'd be the first guy I'd ever make out with more than 15 minutes at a stretch in peace? No rush no ripping. Was I to know I'd miss your smooth voice and stupid jokes nicknaming everything? Your sheer innocence and man-child (yes I'm still calling it that) attitude?

But this is me finally accepting feeling, and feeling deeply I am. All the years of shadowing and closing off and cowering and hurting. I take it all in. Read me I'm your favourite book. I'm not afraid of loving, I have too much to give. Too many faces to see smiling, too many hugs to give out.

This is me taking back myself because I need emotion, I need love, and I need someone who is not afraid of it, because I am never going to be anymore. This is me letting you go with a smile and sending you love each time I think of you.

This is me accepting.

Homestretch

Do people ever get tired of not being good enough? The infamous jack-of-all-trades? When you know you worked hard but just didn't give your all? 

Trying, but never enough. Crying, but never enough.

Lacking.

You've been slogging your ass off, running in the sweltering sun, round and round and round. The same lap. Over and over again. The daily grind.

You see vestiges of the finish line but you realise it's a mirage. Can endings be ephemeral? Aren't they supposed to be final? Isn't that what it's supposed to mean? Lasting, indefinite, irreversible, eternal, constant. The responsible, punctual kid that I'll never be. 

Then, what happened?

You know you see the finish line this time, you can't be wrong. It's a tangible sense of victory you know you're going to hold in your hand soon enough. There it is. One more step, you trip and fall.

Always were a clumsy one, they said.

School ending was supposed to be a good thing but endings aren't real.

The home in the title is making me sick. I need to move.

What Am I Doing With You?

Do you remember that time when we were sitting and laughing in the taxi while travelling the whole city trying to find that one book you wanted? Of course you do, you remember everything I say.

It wasn't even particularly funny, being with you made everything seem happier.
We started laughing together but I was the one to stop first. I was breathless.
I looked into your face, eyes crinkled, chest moving with laughter and your lips forming a perfect curve of a smile.

I stared into your eyes. You looked straight out of a picture years out of school in some old closet, hitting you with nostalgia. 

Time froze. My heart was beating so fast. I was so nervous.
Then you squished in my cheeks with your hand, I felt my heart was a bird crashing against its cages.

What am I doing with you?

Let me sleep without dreaming of your kisses, let me breathe without inhaling your memories. Let me survive an hour without talking to you.

You are a basic need to my survival. I can never tell you I love you enough in a day.

What do you want from me?

You make me dream about all the places we'd go, all the things we'd do. You tell me I'm your number one. You tell me you love me. You are the last person I talk to and the one I wake up to. You don't even do anything without telling me first. You've seen every hill and valley of my life.

Then you go and tell me about the girls you like. You talk about her and her and her. 

Why are you doing this to me?

Vivid dreams

I have been having extremely strange and vivid dreams and it has only begun in the past few months. They are often repetitive. Often I have such intense dreams, it feels like I'm watching a movie and I can also remember them for a long time afterwards. The book I'm working on is a spin-off of an extremely imaginative and interesting dream I had. I even made a painting out of some kind of a design I saw in my dream once.
I also experience a surge of emotions in my dreams. I see new people and places everyday, and I literally mean everyday. In real life, I'm mostly dead, emotionless and sociopath-ish all day so it's a nice change.

A guy kept shouting "por favor" at me in my dream today.

Someone call Sigmund Freud.