My fear has always been of being judged, or rather misjudged, I'd say. I fear confiding in people, I fear the very fact of anyone even knowing the real me or my thoughts. I am afraid to trust people and scared to tell anyone about what I'm feeling inside. I will waive the topic, do anything to not let anyone know who I truly am, though I must admit I enjoy the limelight.
The reason this petty fear has caused me much trouble is because I suffered from terrible, terrible depression (does not mean this will be a blog about a whining little girl, mind the stereotypes, again) and no one ever knew. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, not even a counsellor. I spent so much time thinking what others would think that it ended up eating me inside. But, that's meant for another post.
Depending on what you want to believe, I could be anyone. I could be your next-door reclusive neighbour for all you know. Age is just a number, it will only cause presumptuous stereotypes, of which I'm not a part. This blog will probably span the topics of art, literature, writing, reading, music, philosophy, and occasional posts about my life and events. I could not give the least thought about the views or hype I get from this, this is for me.
Coming back to my question, do you ever think what would've happened if certain events or things hadn't happened to you? I ponder about it all the time. What if I hadn't messed up so much in my school? What if I hadn't had to go through the depression? What if I wasn't with the type of friends I have now? What if?
My words in life are "La vie sans regrets." Live life without regrets. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. It has contributed in shaping me up the way I am. And there is stuff I try to make sense of, was it all supposed to happen this way? Or, why is this happening to me at this time? Is it fate or is it karma or is it something my wee brain can still not comprehend? When I talk to my friend D (more about her later) about this, she tell me I cannot be thinking about stuff like that as I'm an atheist. True, but there are things I still believe in. Is atheism merely the disregard of everything? I try to listen and read everything in life. There are so many things. Any information about something new will not be ignored by me. Then, I make my hypothesis.
Gahh, I just don't know life.
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